How much of my life have I spent buried under worry?
According to the Oxford dictionary, worry is defined as follows:
wor·ry /ˈwərē/ – (verb) give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles
I know I spent too much of the last year caught in worry, a l l o w i n g it to rob me of so many of the joys that come with having a baby. In hindsight, I can see that all my worries were unnecessary. In hindsight, I can see that not one of my worries was beneficial to me. And in hindsight, now I can see – once again – that God always made a way, even when it seemed impossible.
O you of little faith!
Also in hindsight, I can see that the only good thing about my worry is that it provides insight into what my heart truly values and it reveals where I put my faith.
Every time I’ve allowed myself to be overcome by my fears, it’s because of my struggle to completely surrender them to Christ. You’d think that I’d have learned my lesson by now, but at times it’s still so frickin’ hard.
Ronin’s been home now for nearly a month, and he’s doing great – staying healthy, happy, and on a good growth trajectory for his upcoming heart surgery. For so long, my prayers were just to have him survive; grow stronger; be able to come home. By the grace of God, those prayers have now been answered. And even though I’m so grateful and relieved, a couple weeks ago I started feeling overwhelmed with a new wave of worry: this time about money.
Because of his Down syndrome diagnosis, his prematurity, and all the accompanying medical conditions, Ronin will require a lot of therapists and developmental specialists. As we were leaving the NICU, I was advised by our case manager that our health insurance would likely not cover all of these services. On top of that, we’ve started receiving medical bills for all the special scans, monitoring, procedures, surgeries, etc. etc. dating back to last spring and summer.
On paper, as of right now we’d be unable to afford all the specialized care that Ronin will need. Even though my intellect knows that God is in control of this situation and even though I trust in His purpose, I had been struggling with my fears on this matter.
I asked a friend to pray for me, and she also encouraged me to meditate on a verse that focuses on trusting in the Lord and His provision. I was drawn to Matthew 6:28-33, specifically the phrase to “consider the lilies.” If God cares for the wildflowers enough to clothe them in beauty and splendor, shouldn’t I trust in God’s provision and power to do what’s best in my life? I’m not meant to worry about worldly needs and things outside of my responsibility.
As I’ve been meditating on this truth, I’ve also been creating beadwork inspired by Jesus’ gentle rebuke.
It’s been a therapeutic craft for me. It’s my time to be quiet, still, and intentional. Each tiny bead stitched together has whispered a little reminder for me to “consider the lilies” – to trust in God’s goodness.
Having those words etched into my mind has released me from the worry that would rob me of seeing my present blessings. My son’s home safe; our family’s together; we have everything we need in this moment.
Instead of allowing my mind to dwell on the difficulties of my circumstances, I’m choosing to dwell on His faithfulness.